Some Random Jokes n Stuff

Never try to outsmart an Irish Man
A petrol station owner in Dublin was trying to increase his sales. So, he put up a sign that read, ‘Free Sex with Fill-Up.’
Soon Paddy pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex. The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10.
If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex.
Paddy guessed 8, and the proprietor said, ‘You were close. The number was 7. Sorry. No sex this time.’
A week later, Paddy, along with his friend Mick, pulled in for another fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex. The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number. Paddy guessed 2 this time. The proprietor said, ‘Sorry, it was 3. You were close, but no free sex this time.’
As they were driving away, Mick said to Paddy, ‘I think that game is rigged and he doesn’t really give away free sex.’
Paddy replied, ‘No it ain’t, Mick. It’s not rigged at all at all. My wife won twice last week.’

Why does theObstetrician, Gynaecologist leave the room when the patient gets undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?

A Gynaecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and Medicare paperwork, and was burned out. Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic.. He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could.

When the time of the practical exam approached, the Gynaecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%.
Fearing an error, he called the Instructor, saying, ‘ I don’t want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in my grade. ‘

The instructor said, ‘ During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark. ‘ After a pause, the instructor added, ‘I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the muffler

A recent study found the average golfer walks about 900 miles a year.
Another study found golfers drink, on an average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year.
That means, on an average, golfers get about 41 miles to the gallon.
Kind of makes you proud. Almost feel like a hybrid.
HAPPY GOLFING

A sardar went hunting one day in Ontario and bagged three ducks.
He put them in the bed of his pickup truck and was about to drive home when he was confronted by an honorary game warden who didn’t like sardars.
The game warden ordered the sardar to show his hunting license, and the sardar pulled out a valid Ontario hunting license.
The game warden looked at the license, then reached over and picked up one of the ducks, sniffed its butt, and said, “This duck ain’t from Ontario . This is a Quebec duck. You got a Quebec huntin’ license, boy?” The sardar reached into his wallet and produced a Quebec hunting license.
The game warden looked at it, then reached over and grabbed the second duck, sniffed its butt, and said “This ain’t no Quebec duck. This duck’s from Manitoba . You got a Manitoba license?”
The sardar reached into his wallet and produced a Manitoba hunting license.
The warden then reached over and picked up the third duck, sniffed its butt, and said, “This ain’t no Manitoba duck. This here duck’s from Nova Scotia . You got aNova Scotia huntin’ license?”
Again the sardar reached into his wallet and brought out a Nov Scotia hunting license.
The game warden was extremely frustrated at this point, and he yelled at the sardar “Just where the hell are you from?”
The sardar smiled turned around, bent over, dropped his pants, and said, “You tell me, you’re the expert.”

Here’s a prime example of ‘Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus’ offered by an English professor from the University of Colorado for an actual class assignment.
The professor told his class one day: ‘Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story. The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right.
‘As homework tonight, one of you will write the first paragraph of a short story. You will e-mail your partner that paragraph and send another copy to me. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story and send it back, also sending another copy to me. The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back-and-forth. Remember to re-read what has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent. There is to be absolutely NO talking outside of the e-mails and anything you wish to say must be written in the e-mail. The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached.’
The following was actually turned in by two of his English students, Rebecca and Gary.

*THE STORY: (first paragraph by Rebecca) *
At first, Jennifer couldn’t decide which kind of tea she wanted. The chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So chamomile was out of the question.

*(second paragraph by Gary) *
Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Jennifer with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. ‘A.S. Harris to Geostation 17,’ he said into his transgalactic communicator. ‘Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so far…’ But before he could sign off a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship’s cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.

*(Rebecca) *
He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped it’s pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. ‘Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel’, Jennifer read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth, when the days had passed
unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspaper to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her. ‘Why must one lose one’s innocence to become a woman?’ she pondered wistfully.

*(Gary) *
Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of miles above the city, the Anudrian mothership launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament Treaty through the Congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the Anudrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion, which vaporized poor, stupid Jennifer.


*(Rebecca) *
This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic semi-literate adolescent.

*(Gary) *
Yeah? Well, my writing partner is a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of V@lium. ‘Oh, shall I have chamomile tea? Or shall I have some other sort of F****** TEA??? Oh no, what am I to do? I’m such an air-headed bimbo who reads too many Danielle Steele novels!’

*(Rebecca) *
A**hole.

*(Gary) *
B****!

*(Rebecca) *
F*** YOU – YOU NEANDERTHAL!!

*(Gary)*
In your dreams, Ho. Go drink some tea.

*(TEACHER) *
A+ – I really liked this one.

An attractive blonde from Dublin arrived at the casino and bet

twenty thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice. She said,

‘I hope you don’t mind, but I feel much luckier when I’m completely nude.’

With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled,

‘Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!’

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed

‘YES, YES, I WON, I WON!’

She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and

her clothes and quickly departed. The dealers stared at each other dumb-founded.

Finally, one of them asked, ‘What did she roll?’

The other answered, ‘I don’t know – I thought you were watching.’

MORAL OF THE STORY

Not all Irish are stupid; Not all blondes are dumb; but all men are men.

GORDON BROWN was visiting a primary school and he visited one of the classes. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.

The teacher asked Mr. BROWN if he would like to lead the discussion on the word ‘tragedy’. So the illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a ‘tragedy’.

A little boy stood up and offered: ‘If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field & a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a ‘tragedy.’

No, said GORDON – that would be an accident.’

A little girl raised her hand: ‘If a school bus carrying fifty children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy’

I’m afraid not, explained GORDON – that’s what we would call great loss’.

The room went silent. No other children volunteered. GORDON searched the room. ‘Isn’t there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?’

Finally, at the back of the room, little Johnny raised his hand…In a quiet voice he said: ‘If a plane carrying you and MR. DARLING was struck by a ‘friendly fire’ missile & blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy.’

‘Fantastic!’ exclaimed GORDON.. ‘That’s right. And can you tell me why that would be tragedy?’

‘Well,’ says little Johnny ‘it has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn’t be a great loss and it probably wouldn’t be a f**king accident either!